That’s it! That’s all I can stands I can’t stands no more. Did any of you see Governor Sarah Palin’s interview with Katie Couric on CBS that other night? Yipes! Republicans of all stripes must have been cringing in their chairs at the ineffable twaddle that came out of that woman’s mouth in answer to questions about the bailout bill. It even had me, a dedicated Democrat, embarrassed for her. I mean the current GOP VP candidate makes Dan Quail, who gave us the incomparable ” Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.” look like Winston Churchill. It was so bad, that Tina Fey was able to lift whole chunks of the Governors answer to Couric verbatim to use in her Saturday Night Live parody of Palin garnering laughs galore from the SNL audience.
In her questioning about the bailout, Couric suggested that the $700-billion might be better funneled through middle-class families instead of Wall Street firms.
Governor Palin: “That’s why I say I, like every American I’m speaking with, we’re ill about this position that we have been put in where it is the taxpayers looking to bail out. But ultimately, what the bailout does is help those who are concerned about the healthcare reform that is needed to help shore up our economy. Um, helping, oh — it’s got to be all about job creation too. Shoring up our economy, and putting it back on the right track. So healthcare reform and reducing taxes and reining in spending has got to accompany tax reductions, and tax relief for Americans, and trade, we’ve got to see trade as opportunity, not as a competitive, um, scary thing, but 1 in 5 jobs being created in the trade sector today. We’ve got to look at that as more opportunity. All of those things under the umbrella of job creation. This bailout is a part of that.”
SAY WHAT?It sounds to me as if the Governor went to school at the Norm Crosby School of Public Speaking. The Crosby School, as we all know, is unparalyzed in the art of headressing a crowd. It is only at the Crosby School Ms. Palin could have taken a class in Electrocution so she could learn to reject from her diagram so well. With this technique Governor Palin can expect to plummet to the top in an instinct. With this skull, her speech will be recarded like a blabbing brook and she will be disesteemed as a woman of great statute.
I also hold the Crosby School in high astream and feel that the Governor’s answer to Ms. Couric’s question was as suspenderful, it was a real cliff-dweller, as it was completely beyond my apprehension.
Ah well, such are the ways of political folk. Full of spells and incantations that are a mystery to us all.
Once I had a mortgage, an ARM
The rate was just below prime
Once I had a mortgage, that was then
Buddy can you spare a dime?
Once I had a broker, Merrill Lynch
Lehman Brothers, what a time!
Once there was a Bear Sterns and AIG
Buddy can you spare a dime?
Once I had investments, a 401(k)
They were just doing so swell
Once I had a pension, but it went away
Retirement’s gonna be hell
Say, don’t you remember, they said “invest!”
They said “invest” all the time
Now there is recession it’s such a mess
Say buddy, can you spare a dime?
They used to tell me to go buy a house
I didn’t need that much down
That’s when the market was good and high
But now I feel, like I’ll drown
They used to tell me to I was building some wealth
Invest and you’ll get ahead
Why should I feel so broke
I’d be better off dead
Once I had a Beemer, and an SUV
Guzzled gas all the time
Now it’s just the bus and a bike for me
Can you spare a dime?
Once I had some coffee, Starbuck’s best
The taste was just so sublime
Now I use the cup to beg hard-pressed
Can you spare a dime?
Once I had investments, a 401(k)
They were just doing so swell
Once I had a pension, but it went away
Retirement’s gonna be hell
Say, don`t you remember, they said “invest!”
your money will grow all the time
Now my money’s worthless, I am so depressed
Say buddy, can you spare a dime?
We know that, according to his own statement, Al Gore invented the Internet right?. Well …. NOT! The internet is an invention of CERN, the huge particle physics lab in France and Switzerland. It was a side invention brought about to allow physicists to communicate globally with the Physics community and others.
Now, in that great political tradition of taking credit for everything good, comes the news that John McCain, despite his inability to communicate by e-mail and his self admitted lack of skill with computers was instrumental in the invention of the handheld communications device the Blackberry. You can’t make this stuff up folks.
Douglas Holtz-Eakin, a McCain spokesman, in a response to reporters’ questions about what McCain did at the Senate Commerce Committee to understand how markets work; held up his own BlackBerry communications device. “He did this,” Holtz-Eakin replied. “Telecommunications of the United States is a premier innovation in the past 15 years, comes right through the Commerce committee so you’re looking at the miracle John McCain helped create and that’s what he did.”
I personally think that Doug has misinterpreted what John McCain told him he actually did. Perhaps McCain misspoke when he said this and, in light of his “fundamentals are fine” statement and the stock market tanking the other day, perhaps McCain meant he had invented the raspberry. Maybe he was talking about Obama and suggesting that he McCain invented the Black Barry? No, Barak is an original. Besides that would be yet a new low for the McCain campaign. No, that’s not it. I’ve got it! What McCain meant was that he had invented, not the electronic device, but the actual blackberry. After all he was around back then, wasn’t he. Tasty little devils too. Thanks John!
Who is Sarah Palin? A good question. A virtual unknown until she popped out of the cake at the Republican National Convention, she now apparently owns the country and the rest of us poor taxpayers are allowed to live here until she decides to either evict us, or fly over in her helicopter and put a bullet in our back. Many would like to make a decision one way or another regarding her candidacy, but there is so precious little real information around regarding her true positions and vision of the future. The McCain campaign has taken great pains to propagate the myth that is Sarah Palin and to keep the real Governor under wraps so to speak so as to avoid any gaffes or misstatements that might prove embarrassing or God forbid, funny; so far so good. She has provided only a little of the material necessary for the band of comics to make this contest fun. Even when she does acquiesce to lower the veil like Scheherazade and beguile the press with one of her 1001 tales, one almost expects her to answer every question with the ‘thanks but no thanks “answer she has patented while allegedly dealing with Congress. Does she have the right stuff or is it perhaps the other stuff she has? You know, the stuff that most politicians have in extraordinary amounts; the stuff for which you need hip boots.
With all the hullabaloo and codswallop surrounding the GOP Vice presidential candidate, it’s hard to tell just of what stuff she is made. So far she has stuck to the script provided to her by her party handlers and not let her pretty little head be bothered by any independent thought that might upset the McCain apple cart. One gets the impression that one should start every press release about Sarah Palin with the words “Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess.” We are not amused.
The so called “liberal media jerks “have been warned off her as well. Campbell Brown of that august group of reporters who actually try and get a question answered once in a while, was taken to task by Tucker Bounds, an inept McCain campaign spokesperson, (is this person truly the best they can do?) for asking for one example of how the Governor has commanded the Alaska National Guard. A question that Mr. Bounds was ill prepared to answer and though he might be a republican, all I could see were great big donkey ears sticking up out of his head because he behaved like a perfect jackass. He kept turning from the question before him and exploring that land of mendacity the McCain campaign has become infamous for in recent days. When Ms. Brown would not let Mr. Bounds off the hook and insisted on an answer to her perfectly legitimate question, Mr. Bounds attacked Ms. Brown by accusing her of being biased and attempting to attack and smear Governor Palin. When it became apparent that Bounds was not about to answer any questions about Governor Palin’s experience or any other question of substance about Governor Palin except the party line propaganda, the interview ended and Bounds left in a huff, or was it a minute and a huff. Actually a taxi not being good enough, he left in a town car. Later that day the McCain campaign canceled a planned interview with CNN’s Larry King claiming that they, the campaign, could not countenance Ms. Brown’s egregious behavior in an all out attack on Governor Palin and would no longer take part in the CNN interview process that day. Are they kidding! Not appearing on good old softball Larry King! Boy that sure is cutting off your nose to spite your face.
All the reporter did was have the temerity to ask a perfectly simple question about a fact that has been bandied about by the McCain people since Palin came aboard and that is “Can you tell me one decision that she made as commander in chief of the Alaska National Guard, just one?” Outrageous! How dare Campbell Brown actually expect an answer to such an obviously biased question! The next thing you know they’ll be asking the Governor what she actually intends to do if elected. God’s, holy trousers people! Obviously the McCain folks consider anyone attempting to ask any questions of Mr. McCain or Ms. Palin requiring a substantive answer is a stupid mean old poopy-head liberal!
With regard to Sarah Palin’s first open interview with the press, in the person of one Charlie Gibson of ABC news, she seems to have acquitted herself well. She even pronounced Iranian President Mahmoud Achmedinajad’s name without faltering. One has a vision of her being drilled in this by her instructor. Lets call him oh, say, Professor Higgins for want of a better name. The scene is in Professor Higgins study. Seated about are the venerable professor, his friend the Colonel, and Ms. Palin with her mouth filled with marbles.
Professor Higgins: “Its pronounced Ach-Ma-deen-a jad, you try it”
Governor Palin: “ Ak med- n- jid” “Och Mee din jid.”
Higgins: “No! No! No! No! Come girl! We open in Washington in January! You’ve got to get this right! Ach-Ma-deen-ah jad, Ach-Ma-deen-ah jad , try again.”
Governor Palin :“Ach-Ma-deen-ah jad.”
The Colonel: What did you say my dear?”
Governor Palin: “Ach-Ma-deen-a jad.”
The Colonel: “Henry, I think she’s got it! I think she’s got it!”
Governor Palin: “Ach-Ma-deen-ah jad.”
Professor Higgins: “By George she’s got it! She’s really got it!”
Governor Palin: “Ach-Ma-deen-ah jad.”
Professor Higgins: “Good Sarah. Now let me hear you say “The bombs on hand fall mainly on Iran.”
During the interview with Gibson she parroted the lines given to her by her instructors with some degree of competence and without the slightest indication of independent thought and only seemed to get into trouble once. That was when Charlie asked her the now infamous “Bush doctrine “question. Her face froze but the smile remained. Her eyes were suddenly transfixed and you could almost see the wheels turning very quickly. (Note to Governor Palin, don’t play poker for money; ever.) I have seen that look in actor’s eyes when they have gone up on (forgotten) their lines in mid scene. It signifies the edge of panic. Adrenalin is pumped into the blood stream. The mind races with thoughts of failure. “Bush Doctrine, Bush Doctrine, we don’t need no stinkin Bush Doctrine!” “Did Professor Higgins mention the Bush Doctrine?” “Oh God is this where I get the hook?” “I’m melting, melting.” “Oh you wicked wicked reporter!” “You’ve ruined my beautiful wickedness!” Then Gibson throws a lifeline. “You know the right of preemptive strike against a nation or enemy planning an attack on our nation.” says Gibson. “You’re out of the woods. You’re out of the dark. You’re out of the night. Step into the sun. Step into the light.” “Saved! Saved!” “Curfew shall not ring tonight!” “Oh Aunty Em. There’s no place like home.” The Governor then ad-libbed like a pro.
In all fairness to Ms. Palin, the Bush Doctrine question may well have been unfair to her in that she has little or no experience on the world stage and is apparently unfamiliar with the terminology used regularly by the press to describe at least one of the most important policy positions taken by the current administration. You know, those folks that have been in Washington for the last eight years and they are of the same party as McCain. Those folks that McCain and his team are going to sweep completely out and utterly change the way the government operates. Yea, those folks. After all, if you don’t read the newspapers or watch the news on TV, then you are just not going to know these things.
Ah well it remains to be seen if the Palin bubble will float or flop. Hopefully we will see at least one substantive interview with the candidate and the McCain campaign that will provide something other than hissy fits and the overwhelming urge by the candidates themselves to take their ball and go homeAnd she lived happily ever after?????
“You can put lipstick on a pig. It’s still a pig. “
We hear that the Pig lobby over on K Street has gone hog wild over Obama’s use of that analogy. They have heard that the Republicans will make this a pork barrel issue and insist that from now on that pigs must have no access to lipstick. Arnold Ziffle and Babe are quite upset that their girlfriends will have a hard time adjusting to life without lipstick. Porky Pig is pacing the floor because his wife Petunia has gone into rehab to get over her dependence on lipstick and the three little pigs have moved to Canada where they feel the chances of attracting mates will now be better there than here. After they had walked away from their houses and ballooning mortgages, the bank sent the Big Bad Wolf demolition firm in to blow their houses in to make room for a high rise condo, but just then Governor Palin flew over and shot him. We hear that old Big Bad is now a lovely throw rug in the Governor’s mansion. Wilbur the pig went to ask Charlotte the spider how such a thing could come to pass in our great nation. This little piggy went to market, the Piggly Wiggly actually, but when she got there, she found that she could not buy lipstick for love or money and she might as well have stayed home like her sister and had roast beef. We heard that she cried wee, wee, wee, all the way home. Miss Piggy was outraged and is pig headedly warming up her karate chop for when she meets Obama; Hiiiiya! Piglet was just too young to understand the question and Pumba said he was returning to Africa where he stated, “people aren’t so piggish in their attitudes.” Oh yes and all you people born under the sign of the pig in Chinese astrology, you’re out of luck when it comes to lipstick. As a matter of fact the only ones allowed to benefit from lipstick under the proposed law will be Pit Bulls. We guess the Hockey moms are out of luck too. It all sounds like a pig in a poke to us.
Yet another milestone brought to you by those wonderful people that brought you record national debt, broken healthcare, record job loss, and the never ending war in Iraq. But seriously folks, everyone knows you should never put lipstick on a pig. It wastes everyone’s time and it annoys the pig. SUwee! SUwee! Pig! Pig! Pig!
Let’s not forget that the political conventions weren’t the only big affairs this summer.The Olympics were just last month. It amazing how quickly Russia beat Georgia in the cross-country competition. Why, I haven’t seen a victory like that since August 1914 when Germany swept thru most of Europe and then came back to do it all over again in 1940. Apparently, like the those fun-loving, beer-swilling krauts of the First World War, (see note below), pour a little vodka and those pesky Russians just can’t help but breaking into song. Come’on sing along!
(click to start)
Happy Days are here again
We have to crush them now and then
Just like our friend Old Joe Stalin
Happy Days are here again!
Czechoslovakia in ‘68
And remember Hungary, it was great
And now with Georgia we have a date
Happy Days are here again!
On Tanks we go for a ride
And push the people aside!
Happy Days are here again
We have to crush them now and then
Just like our friend Old Joe Stalin
Happy Days are here again!
Vladimir Putin is such a doll
You know he wants to take it all
And have that lovely Oil
Happy Days are here again!
Fuck George W in the Bush
Then turn around and in his tush
Oh Russia now he cannot push
Happy Days are here again!
Soon in Georgia we’ll reign
And then we’ll heads towards Ukraine!
Happy Days are here again
We have to crush them now and then
Just like our friend Old Joe Stalin
Happy Days are here again!
*********************
“As they marched, the Germans sang. They sang when they halted, they sang when they billeted, when they caroused. Many who lived through the next thirty days of mounting combat, agony, and terror were to remember the sound of endless, repetitious masculine singing as the worst torment of the invasion.”
Rather unconventional conventions this year, wouldn’t you say? No? You think maybe they were just the same old taxpayer sponsored weeklong infomercials? Oh yes, that checkbox on your income taxes pays for part of the convention. About $16 million for each party! And you thought that they partied on their own dime. But they were unconventional and in so many ways.
Where else would you see the Democratic vice presidential candidate of four years ago act as a keynote speaker at this year’s Republican convention? Indeed, Joe Lieberman was on the shortlist to be the Republican vice presidential candidate. But apparently, some of the core fundamentalist Republicans were worried that if Joe Lieberman became president his first act might be to fire every gentile (ie non-Jewish) Member of Congress. His mother would roll over in her grave if Joe didn’t keep a kosher house. Oy!
Where else would you see Hillary Clinton, who not only lost her bid to become president but apparently wasn’t even considered for VP, give a speech dressed as an orange traffic cone. Evidently she thought to keep anyone else from running her over the way that Barack Obama did during the primaries.
There was Barack’s wife, Michele, looking like she could put boxing gloves and whoop your ass if you trash talk about her man. Ladies and Gentlemen, in this corner weighing in at 130 pounds “Michele the Obama Mama.”
And Barack demonstrated his new approach and theme of change just so forcefully by selecting as his as his running mate, Joe Biden, a man who has been a Washington insider for over 35 years since he was just barely old enough to hold the job.
Now of course, John McCain, the oldest candidate ever to run for president, surprised everyone by picking a vice president who is young enough to be his wife…. er …I mean daughter. Sarah “The Barracuda” Palin is showing how she supports Republican family values with her pregnant 17-year-old unmarried daughter already in the family way. As Sarah said, the only difference between a hockey mom and pit bull is lipstick, which made me ask the question, “did she just call herself a bitch?”
What about the main attractions? Nearly 40 million watched on TV as Barack Obama filled a stadium with over 80,000 people. He looked like a cross between a rock star and a televangelist making me wonder if, to paraphrase John Lennon, he is bigger than Jesus. John McCain had just as big an audience watching his acceptance speech on TV. Of course, he didn’t start until after the Giants defeated the Redskins in the NFL season opener. After all, Americans do have their priorities.
Yes friends, that great American experiment in democracy, where every four years the intelligent and wise of our nation gather to discuss and debate the great issues of our time, is upon us. Well, something is upon us and we’d better clean it off before it starts to stink. It’s already up to our ankles and it’s only gonna get deeper! That’s right my friends, the presidential race is finally down to the homestretch, and here and now we will discuss what is most important about this upcoming election. That is of course, the humor, the jokes, the guffaws, and just that continuous carnival of copious incompetency at all levels of the political process that each day of this election brings to we few, we happy few, we band of comics. Yes my fellow Americans, the Democratic and Republican conventions, those uniquely American institutions,(and who wants to be in an institution) that are a cross between a three ring circus and a paid political infomercial, are finally over. Not a moment too soon I might add. The selection of the candidates, such as they are, is made, the party platforms declared, the policy positions stated, but so much more lies ahead, lies of course being the operative word. There is still dirt to be dug, mud to be slung, muck to be raked, scandals to be mongered, accusations and counter accusations to be leveled and denied. Then maybe, just maybe, a discussion or two about the issues will ensue. But, if I were you, I wouldn’t hold my breath.
But this whole political process will not work without you. Yes you my friend! It is not up to the citizens, who abdicate their voting rights to automatic voting machines. It’s not up to the media, those political pundits who pontificate profusely pleading their points toward a probability of prevalence. It’s up the lobbyists and PACs, whose client’s good hard earned money goes to greasing the wheels of power. It’s not up to the political parties, who for years have followed that time-honored tradition of choosing the wrong person for the wrong office at the wrong time. It’s not up to special interest groups, the so called “five-twenty-sevens”, the stealth bombers of the campaign providing myths so dearly beloved by our political pundits of the pressroom It’s not up to corporate campaign contributors, whose millions of mostly unregulated dollars buy favor with those elected to represent the people and make these events possible.
It is up to us! That’s right! “We the people.” It is our constitutional duty to generate those jokes, garner those gags, and giggle at those gaffes, to show the humor and silliness that pervades the political process. Let us put aside for a moment the serious discussions of the war, the economy, health care and social security (God only knows the current administration and congress has) and don instead the jester’s cap. Let us find those character flaws, generate those jokes, and work those one-liners, and show just how dumb politics can really be and mostly is. Come join the fun. Welcome to Dumb Politics 2008!
