People are talking about the abnomally low temperatures we all seem to be experiencing these days. I thought it might be a good time to see how the cold might effect our nation’s capitol. Here’s a few observations:
There’s the old favorite that goes back to perhaps Will Rogers that goes:
“It was so cold here in Washington the other day that I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets!” Ba Dump Bump!
But let’s get creative!
It was so cold that it does seem as if Washington has finally run out of (wait for it)…hot air! Ba Dump Bump!
It was so cold that Senator John McCain’s teeth were chattering, and he didn’t have them in at the time! Ba Dump Bump!
It was so cold in Washington today that Al Gore led us in a prayer “FOR” Global Warming! Ba Dump Bump!
It was so cold here in Washington that a naked jogger apprehended outside the Whitehouse was immediately ushered inside to a State Dinner! Ba Dump Bump!
It was so cold in Washington that politicians were actually starting to think about the homeless! Ba Dump Bump!
It was so cold in Washington that Governor Mark Sanford and his Argentine hiking buddy decided to hike the Appalachian Trail five times yesterday! Ba Dump Bump!
It was so cold that terrorists are now wearing Long Underwear bombs! Ba Dump Bump!
It was so cold in Washington that Bill was snuggling with Hillary just to stay warm! Ba Dump Bump!
It was so cold in Washington that Senator Larry Craig was describing himself to men in the airport restroom! Ba Dump Bump!
It was so cold in Washington this week that even the dead fish that former Vice President Cheney hid in the Whitehouse stopped stinking! Ba Dump Bump!
It was so cold in Washington that Satan had to bump up the thermostat over at the K Street branch of Hell a few degrees just to keep the poker games going! Ba Dump Bump!
It was so cold in Washington that Dick Cheney actually seemed to radiate golden warmth and sunny cheerfulness! Ba Dump Bump!
It was so cold in Washington that people were shivering like a cabinet appointee at the Internal Revenue office. Ba Dump Bump!
It was so cold that the Washington Hookers were charging $20 just to blow on your hands! Ba Dump Bump!
It’s so cold in Washington that the Congress is thinking about using some of the TARP money to weather-strip the Canadian border! Ba Dump Bump!
It was so cold in Washington that the Congressional Committee on Weapons Inspections decided that most of the weapons Iran is hiding and should be inspected by the committee were in Hawaii! Ba Dump Bump!
It was so cold in Washington that the Fake Rolex hucksters were instead selling Fake Space Heaters! Ba Dump Bump!
It was so cold in Washington that a Congressman was rushed to the hospital after being pelted with frozen teabags! Ba Dump Bump!
It was so cold in Washington that there is now an Ice Fishing Shack in the middle of the Mall Reflection Pool.! Ba Dump Bump! (Gee I hope Senators Klobuchar and Franken catch something!)
It was so cold in Washington that at a recent concert Brittney Spears put her underwear BACK ON! Ba Dump Bump!
It was so cold in Washington that politicians are burning effigies …of themselves! Ba Dump Bump!
It was so cold in Washington; people are beginning to listen to politicians speeches! That’s how desperate they are for some hot air! Ba Dump Bump!
It is so cold in Washington that instead of giving each other the finger, party hacks across the aisle are giving each other the mitten! Ba Dump Bump!
It was so cold in Washington that Iraqi reporters switched from throwing sneakers to throwing Mukluks at former President Bush! Ba Dump Bump!
It was so cold in Washington that Florida State student Andrew Meyer was going around town begging cops to “Please Tase Me Bro!” Ba Dump Bump!
“Lawzy, we got to have a doctor. I don’t know nothin’ about birthin’ babies”
Prizzy, Gone With The Wind, 1939
Really, I don’t know about birthin’ no babies, but this might be the biggest baby birthin’ story since the Dionne Quintuplets. Certainly, the biggest birth certificate story since they ran out of forms when the Octo-Mom started pumping out kids like conspiracies theories on a conservative blog. Seems we may have a usurper in the white house, or so the so called birthers say. Ever since that “phony” birth certificate was posted on candidate Obama’s website in June 2008, there have calls … well screams and shouts from certain sectors … for the President to release his “real” birth certificate. Maybe these birthers just are suspicious with that strange name: Barack Hussein Obama. Never mind the man was elected with 365 electoral votes, damn it; he ain’t president, unless he is a “real” American. What about the ads placed in not one but two Honolulu newspapers in August 1961 announcing the birth a son to Mrs. and Mrs. Barack H. Obama? Could have been planted 40 years in advance; a good conspiracy needs that long to fester. Perhaps the memories of Dr. Rodney T. West, the obstetrician who brought the bouncing baby Barack into this world and who died in February 2008 at the age of 98 are just doctored as well. Even Dr. Chiyome Fukino, director of the Hawaii State Department of Health has “…seen the original vital records maintained on file by the Hawaii State Department of Health verifying Barack Hussein Obama was born in Hawaii and is a natural-born American citizen.” Who’s to say if this doctor is a “real” American? Then there is Hawaii’s Republican governor, Linda Lingle, a name that sounds like an extra on porno flick. At first she said the certificate was real and true but name has “sealed” it not be released under any circumstances. Best if things fester unseen, I suppose.
Well, he’s finally done it! The dishonorable Governor of the State of Illinois Rod Balgojevich has committed a deed that would make Lincoln, along with a lot of current Chicago voters, roll in their respective graves! He attempted to egregiously sell President Elect Barack Obama’s vacated Senate seat to the highest bidder in a pay for play scheme that finally brought the FBI and US Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald down on his head. The Land of Lincoln will soon own the dubious distinction of having two recent Governors in the slammer for malfeasance and corruption. With this kind of record, they may as well move the Governors office from Springfield to Joliet. That way the next miscreant can simply walk from the Statehouse to the prison.
What a pity that the state now known for Honest Abe will be forced to live with the deeds of Rotten Rod stinking up the place. I understand that Al Capone’s ghost was called up by a medium in a recent séance and his comment on the Blagojevich arrest was: “Its about friggin time! Dis guy was givin us gangsters a bad name!” Jeeze! Ain’t nutin sacred!” Chicago politics has a well earned reputation for shady deals, but this takes the cake. I hear that the Chitown Pols distanced themselves from Blago so swiftly that the resulting vacum of the usual copious amount of hot air, created a formitable inrush of cold air from Chicago all the way down to Baton Rouge where they are expecting 4 inches of new snow today.
When asked by the FBI what he thought he was doing, Blagojevich asked what he had done wrong. He offered to throw in a free set of ginzu knives with the Obama Seat if either of the agents were interested. The FBI agents looked at the Senate seat and then at Patrick Fitzgerald. Fitzgerald pointed to the Governor’s chair and said” We’ll take this one.
That’s Rotten Roddy! His prices are insane!
So life goes on in these here United States where we’ve got the best politicians money can buy.
He knows what the people are thinking tonight
As home through the shadows they wander
Everyone’s smiling the secret delight
They stare at the T.V. and ponder
Whenever the wind blows his way
He can almost hear everyone say.
I wonder what McCain is doing tonight.
What strategies is McCain pursuing tonight?
The candles at H.Q. have never burned this bright
We wonder what McCain is up to tonight
How goes the final hour as he see his northern flower
being legally and regally prepared.
I’ll tell you what McCain is feeling tonight.
He’s scared! He’s scared!
You mean that the man who’s known as “Sheriff”,
fears neither law nor tax and tariff.
Dreads the debate with terror and distress?
Yes!
A warrior who’s so calm in battle
Even his dentures hardly rattle
Faces this evening petrified with fright.
Right!
You mean that appalling clamoring
That sounds like a gavel hammering
Is merely the banging of his knobby knees?
Please!
I wonder what McCain is wishing tonight
He’s wishing he were in Phoenix fishing tonight.
What occupies his time while waiting for debate
He knows that Sara Palin will seal their fate
And oh the expectation, the sublime anticipation
He must feel about the arguments to come
Well! I’ll tell what McCain is feeling tonight
He’s numb! He shakes! He quails!, He quakes.
And that’s what McCain is feeling , TONIGHT!
That’s it! That’s all I can stands I can’t stands no more. Did any of you see Governor Sarah Palin’s interview with Katie Couric on CBS that other night? Yipes! Republicans of all stripes must have been cringing in their chairs at the ineffable twaddle that came out of that woman’s mouth in answer to questions about the bailout bill. It even had me, a dedicated Democrat, embarrassed for her. I mean the current GOP VP candidate makes Dan Quail, who gave us the incomparable ” Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.” look like Winston Churchill. It was so bad, that Tina Fey was able to lift whole chunks of the Governors answer to Couric verbatim to use in her Saturday Night Live parody of Palin garnering laughs galore from the SNL audience.
In her questioning about the bailout, Couric suggested that the $700-billion might be better funneled through middle-class families instead of Wall Street firms.
Governor Palin: “That’s why I say I, like every American I’m speaking with, we’re ill about this position that we have been put in where it is the taxpayers looking to bail out. But ultimately, what the bailout does is help those who are concerned about the healthcare reform that is needed to help shore up our economy. Um, helping, oh — it’s got to be all about job creation too. Shoring up our economy, and putting it back on the right track. So healthcare reform and reducing taxes and reining in spending has got to accompany tax reductions, and tax relief for Americans, and trade, we’ve got to see trade as opportunity, not as a competitive, um, scary thing, but 1 in 5 jobs being created in the trade sector today. We’ve got to look at that as more opportunity. All of those things under the umbrella of job creation. This bailout is a part of that.”
SAY WHAT?It sounds to me as if the Governor went to school at the Norm Crosby School of Public Speaking. The Crosby School, as we all know, is unparalyzed in the art of headressing a crowd. It is only at the Crosby School Ms. Palin could have taken a class in Electrocution so she could learn to reject from her diagram so well. With this technique Governor Palin can expect to plummet to the top in an instinct. With this skull, her speech will be recarded like a blabbing brook and she will be disesteemed as a woman of great statute.
I also hold the Crosby School in high astream and feel that the Governor’s answer to Ms. Couric’s question was as suspenderful, it was a real cliff-dweller, as it was completely beyond my apprehension.
Ah well, such are the ways of political folk. Full of spells and incantations that are a mystery to us all.
Once I had a mortgage, an ARM
The rate was just below prime
Once I had a mortgage, that was then
Buddy can you spare a dime?
Once I had a broker, Merrill Lynch
Lehman Brothers, what a time!
Once there was a Bear Sterns and AIG
Buddy can you spare a dime?
Once I had investments, a 401(k)
They were just doing so swell
Once I had a pension, but it went away
Retirement’s gonna be hell
Say, don’t you remember, they said “invest!”
They said “invest” all the time
Now there is recession it’s such a mess
Say buddy, can you spare a dime?
They used to tell me to go buy a house
I didn’t need that much down
That’s when the market was good and high
But now I feel, like I’ll drown
They used to tell me to I was building some wealth
Invest and you’ll get ahead
Why should I feel so broke
I’d be better off dead
Once I had a Beemer, and an SUV
Guzzled gas all the time
Now it’s just the bus and a bike for me
Can you spare a dime?
Once I had some coffee, Starbuck’s best
The taste was just so sublime
Now I use the cup to beg hard-pressed
Can you spare a dime?
Once I had investments, a 401(k)
They were just doing so swell
Once I had a pension, but it went away
Retirement’s gonna be hell
Say, don`t you remember, they said “invest!”
your money will grow all the time
Now my money’s worthless, I am so depressed
Say buddy, can you spare a dime?
We know that, according to his own statement, Al Gore invented the Internet right?. Well …. NOT! The internet is an invention of CERN, the huge particle physics lab in France and Switzerland. It was a side invention brought about to allow physicists to communicate globally with the Physics community and others.
Now, in that great political tradition of taking credit for everything good, comes the news that John McCain, despite his inability to communicate by e-mail and his self admitted lack of skill with computers was instrumental in the invention of the handheld communications device the Blackberry. You can’t make this stuff up folks.
Douglas Holtz-Eakin, a McCain spokesman, in a response to reporters’ questions about what McCain did at the Senate Commerce Committee to understand how markets work; held up his own BlackBerry communications device. “He did this,” Holtz-Eakin replied. “Telecommunications of the United States is a premier innovation in the past 15 years, comes right through the Commerce committee so you’re looking at the miracle John McCain helped create and that’s what he did.”
I personally think that Doug has misinterpreted what John McCain told him he actually did. Perhaps McCain misspoke when he said this and, in light of his “fundamentals are fine” statement and the stock market tanking the other day, perhaps McCain meant he had invented the raspberry. Maybe he was talking about Obama and suggesting that he McCain invented the Black Barry? No, Barak is an original. Besides that would be yet a new low for the McCain campaign. No, that’s not it. I’ve got it! What McCain meant was that he had invented, not the electronic device, but the actual blackberry. After all he was around back then, wasn’t he. Tasty little devils too. Thanks John!
Who is Sarah Palin? A good question. A virtual unknown until she popped out of the cake at the Republican National Convention, she now apparently owns the country and the rest of us poor taxpayers are allowed to live here until she decides to either evict us, or fly over in her helicopter and put a bullet in our back. Many would like to make a decision one way or another regarding her candidacy, but there is so precious little real information around regarding her true positions and vision of the future. The McCain campaign has taken great pains to propagate the myth that is Sarah Palin and to keep the real Governor under wraps so to speak so as to avoid any gaffes or misstatements that might prove embarrassing or God forbid, funny; so far so good. She has provided only a little of the material necessary for the band of comics to make this contest fun. Even when she does acquiesce to lower the veil like Scheherazade and beguile the press with one of her 1001 tales, one almost expects her to answer every question with the ‘thanks but no thanks “answer she has patented while allegedly dealing with Congress. Does she have the right stuff or is it perhaps the other stuff she has? You know, the stuff that most politicians have in extraordinary amounts; the stuff for which you need hip boots.
With all the hullabaloo and codswallop surrounding the GOP Vice presidential candidate, it’s hard to tell just of what stuff she is made. So far she has stuck to the script provided to her by her party handlers and not let her pretty little head be bothered by any independent thought that might upset the McCain apple cart. One gets the impression that one should start every press release about Sarah Palin with the words “Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess.” We are not amused.
The so called “liberal media jerks “have been warned off her as well. Campbell Brown of that august group of reporters who actually try and get a question answered once in a while, was taken to task by Tucker Bounds, an inept McCain campaign spokesperson, (is this person truly the best they can do?) for asking for one example of how the Governor has commanded the Alaska National Guard. A question that Mr. Bounds was ill prepared to answer and though he might be a republican, all I could see were great big donkey ears sticking up out of his head because he behaved like a perfect jackass. He kept turning from the question before him and exploring that land of mendacity the McCain campaign has become infamous for in recent days. When Ms. Brown would not let Mr. Bounds off the hook and insisted on an answer to her perfectly legitimate question, Mr. Bounds attacked Ms. Brown by accusing her of being biased and attempting to attack and smear Governor Palin. When it became apparent that Bounds was not about to answer any questions about Governor Palin’s experience or any other question of substance about Governor Palin except the party line propaganda, the interview ended and Bounds left in a huff, or was it a minute and a huff. Actually a taxi not being good enough, he left in a town car. Later that day the McCain campaign canceled a planned interview with CNN’s Larry King claiming that they, the campaign, could not countenance Ms. Brown’s egregious behavior in an all out attack on Governor Palin and would no longer take part in the CNN interview process that day. Are they kidding! Not appearing on good old softball Larry King! Boy that sure is cutting off your nose to spite your face.
All the reporter did was have the temerity to ask a perfectly simple question about a fact that has been bandied about by the McCain people since Palin came aboard and that is “Can you tell me one decision that she made as commander in chief of the Alaska National Guard, just one?” Outrageous! How dare Campbell Brown actually expect an answer to such an obviously biased question! The next thing you know they’ll be asking the Governor what she actually intends to do if elected. God’s, holy trousers people! Obviously the McCain folks consider anyone attempting to ask any questions of Mr. McCain or Ms. Palin requiring a substantive answer is a stupid mean old poopy-head liberal!
With regard to Sarah Palin’s first open interview with the press, in the person of one Charlie Gibson of ABC news, she seems to have acquitted herself well. She even pronounced Iranian President Mahmoud Achmedinajad’s name without faltering. One has a vision of her being drilled in this by her instructor. Lets call him oh, say, Professor Higgins for want of a better name. The scene is in Professor Higgins study. Seated about are the venerable professor, his friend the Colonel, and Ms. Palin with her mouth filled with marbles.
Professor Higgins: “Its pronounced Ach-Ma-deen-a jad, you try it”
Governor Palin: “ Ak med- n- jid” “Och Mee din jid.”
Higgins: “No! No! No! No! Come girl! We open in Washington in January! You’ve got to get this right! Ach-Ma-deen-ah jad, Ach-Ma-deen-ah jad , try again.”
Governor Palin :“Ach-Ma-deen-ah jad.”
The Colonel: What did you say my dear?”
Governor Palin: “Ach-Ma-deen-a jad.”
The Colonel: “Henry, I think she’s got it! I think she’s got it!”
Governor Palin: “Ach-Ma-deen-ah jad.”
Professor Higgins: “By George she’s got it! She’s really got it!”
Governor Palin: “Ach-Ma-deen-ah jad.”
Professor Higgins: “Good Sarah. Now let me hear you say “The bombs on hand fall mainly on Iran.”
During the interview with Gibson she parroted the lines given to her by her instructors with some degree of competence and without the slightest indication of independent thought and only seemed to get into trouble once. That was when Charlie asked her the now infamous “Bush doctrine “question. Her face froze but the smile remained. Her eyes were suddenly transfixed and you could almost see the wheels turning very quickly. (Note to Governor Palin, don’t play poker for money; ever.) I have seen that look in actor’s eyes when they have gone up on (forgotten) their lines in mid scene. It signifies the edge of panic. Adrenalin is pumped into the blood stream. The mind races with thoughts of failure. “Bush Doctrine, Bush Doctrine, we don’t need no stinkin Bush Doctrine!” “Did Professor Higgins mention the Bush Doctrine?” “Oh God is this where I get the hook?” “I’m melting, melting.” “Oh you wicked wicked reporter!” “You’ve ruined my beautiful wickedness!” Then Gibson throws a lifeline. “You know the right of preemptive strike against a nation or enemy planning an attack on our nation.” says Gibson. “You’re out of the woods. You’re out of the dark. You’re out of the night. Step into the sun. Step into the light.” “Saved! Saved!” “Curfew shall not ring tonight!” “Oh Aunty Em. There’s no place like home.” The Governor then ad-libbed like a pro.
In all fairness to Ms. Palin, the Bush Doctrine question may well have been unfair to her in that she has little or no experience on the world stage and is apparently unfamiliar with the terminology used regularly by the press to describe at least one of the most important policy positions taken by the current administration. You know, those folks that have been in Washington for the last eight years and they are of the same party as McCain. Those folks that McCain and his team are going to sweep completely out and utterly change the way the government operates. Yea, those folks. After all, if you don’t read the newspapers or watch the news on TV, then you are just not going to know these things.
Ah well it remains to be seen if the Palin bubble will float or flop. Hopefully we will see at least one substantive interview with the candidate and the McCain campaign that will provide something other than hissy fits and the overwhelming urge by the candidates themselves to take their ball and go homeAnd she lived happily ever after?????
“You can put lipstick on a pig. It’s still a pig. “
We hear that the Pig lobby over on K Street has gone hog wild over Obama’s use of that analogy. They have heard that the Republicans will make this a pork barrel issue and insist that from now on that pigs must have no access to lipstick. Arnold Ziffle and Babe are quite upset that their girlfriends will have a hard time adjusting to life without lipstick. Porky Pig is pacing the floor because his wife Petunia has gone into rehab to get over her dependence on lipstick and the three little pigs have moved to Canada where they feel the chances of attracting mates will now be better there than here. After they had walked away from their houses and ballooning mortgages, the bank sent the Big Bad Wolf demolition firm in to blow their houses in to make room for a high rise condo, but just then Governor Palin flew over and shot him. We hear that old Big Bad is now a lovely throw rug in the Governor’s mansion. Wilbur the pig went to ask Charlotte the spider how such a thing could come to pass in our great nation. This little piggy went to market, the Piggly Wiggly actually, but when she got there, she found that she could not buy lipstick for love or money and she might as well have stayed home like her sister and had roast beef. We heard that she cried wee, wee, wee, all the way home. Miss Piggy was outraged and is pig headedly warming up her karate chop for when she meets Obama; Hiiiiya! Piglet was just too young to understand the question and Pumba said he was returning to Africa where he stated, “people aren’t so piggish in their attitudes.” Oh yes and all you people born under the sign of the pig in Chinese astrology, you’re out of luck when it comes to lipstick. As a matter of fact the only ones allowed to benefit from lipstick under the proposed law will be Pit Bulls. We guess the Hockey moms are out of luck too. It all sounds like a pig in a poke to us.
Yet another milestone brought to you by those wonderful people that brought you record national debt, broken healthcare, record job loss, and the never ending war in Iraq. But seriously folks, everyone knows you should never put lipstick on a pig. It wastes everyone’s time and it annoys the pig. SUwee! SUwee! Pig! Pig! Pig!
